How to tell if you’re old

Wanna know if you’re old? Check your birth certificate or driver’s license (or other suitable public or private record) with a calendar then do the math. That’ll usually give you a pretty good idea. But really, the way you know for sure is whether when someone asks you how you’re doing, you feel at least tempted to tell the hapless inquisitor your latest ailment. I turn 39 this summer. While that’s not really old by the first measure (since I’ve heard tell that 50 is the new 30) by the latter, well, that’s another story.

So, how am I doing? you ask, innocently.

Well lemme tell ya… it’s been a week, 3 chiropractor visits, about a hundred (ok really more like 10-12) ice packs applied, and still, not much improvement in my neck. Or is it my shoulder? That depends on when you ask me, I suppose. Apparently 4 hours on the trainer last Saturday morning, followed by what may or may not have been a sleeping error, left me in serious pain all day last Sunday. I was barely able to move my head to the right, and with limited mobility to the left. Plus there was the delightful on-again-off-again numbness/tingling in my arm and left hand, which is always kinda scary, in a fun sort of way. Various muscles in my shoulder and neck have been in nearly constant spasm ever since, and I even had to resort to taking a prescription strength pain mediation Sunday night. None since then, so no need to call a rehab clinic. Indeed, I’ve found that even my old standby, Vitamin I (aka Ibuprofen) has relatively little effect on this particular problem. I could use some relief though. Any ideas, short of finally breaking down and seeing the neck surgeon to discuss fusing the C-5 C-6 vertebrae, where the herniation is?

Then there’s my knee. Or is it my hamstring? Either way, the back of my knee hurts when I extend my right leg. A stiff, sort of tight feeling, rather than real pain. Unless of course I’m trying to bend it all the way… you know, like you do when you stretch your quad muscles. Then: YOWZA. Oh well. Who needs that kind of flexion anyway, right? Totally overrated.

But let’s not forget about my hand. At least for this one I’m relatively sure of the problem. There’s a cyst (or is it tumor?) on the tendon that leads to my ringer finger. It’s on the palm of my hand and it’s grown to the point where I can’t exactly flatten that finger the same way I can the rest of the fingers on my hand. When I accidentally do try: YOWZA. It used to just hurt when I did “this”, so I stopped doing "that", as Momma/Poppa Bear’s best medical advice would have me do. But now, thanks to it’s increasing mass, it hurts when I ride. And I wouldn’t be much of a Rider X, if I didn’t ride, now would I? So, hand surgeon, here I come, prob’ly sooner rather than later. That is, if I can get my neck calmed down long enough to need to bother.

So, how old are you all?